Web Side Story

Artist: Barsoom Tork
Title:  Web Side Story
Lyrics: Stephen Sondheim and Barsoom Tork Associates
Music:  Leonard Bernstein
Midi:   Officer Krupke
MP3:    Officer Krupke

Dear kindly Sergeant Bupkes,
You gotta understand,
It's just our bringin' upkes
That gets us out of hand.
Our mothers all are whiners,
Our fathers all are lunks.
Golly Florence, natcherly we're shtunks!

Gee, Officer Bupkes, we're very upset;
We never had the love
That ev'ry child oughta get.
We ain't no delinquents,
We're misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

There is good!

There is good, there is good,
There is untapped good!
Like inside, the worst of us is good!

That's a touchin' good story.

Lemme post it to Wikipedia Review!

Just tell it to ArbCom.

Dear kindly Judge, your Honor,
My parents treat me rough.
With all their magic dragons,
They won't give me a Puff.
They didn't wanna have me,
But somehow I was had.
Leapin' lizards!
That's why I'm so bad!

Right!

Officer Bupkes, you're really a square;
This boy don't need a judge,
He needs an analyst's care!
It's just his neurosis
That oughta be curbed.
He's psychologic'ly disturbed!

I'm disturbed!

We're disturbed, we're disturbed,
We're the most disturbed,
Like we're psychologic'ly disturbed.

In the opinion of this Kort,
this child is depraved on account
he ain't had a normal home.

Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived.

So take him to a headshrinker.

ConfuciusOrnis is a bastard,
FeloniousMonk's a junkyard dog,
OrangeMarlin's always plastered,
Odd nature spams my blog.
Durova wears a mustache,
Gerard's husband wears a dress.
Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess!

Yes!

Officer Bupkes, you're really a slob.
This boy don't need a doctor,
Just a good honest job.
Society's played him a terrible trick,
And sociologic'ly he's sick!

I am sick!

We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick, sick, sick,
Like we're sociologically sick!

In my opinion, this child don't need
to have his head shrunk at all. Cyberspace
delinquency is purely a social disease!

Hey, I got a social disease!

So take him to a social worker!

Dear kindly social worker,
They say go earn a buck.
Like be a Wiki jerker,
Which means like be a schmuck.
It's not I'm anti-social,
I'm only anti-snerk.
Gloryosky! That's why I'm a jerk!

Eek!

Officer Bupkes, you've done it again.
This boy don't need a block,
He needs a year in the pen.
It ain't just a question of misunderstood;
Deep down inside him, he's no good!

I'm no good!

We're no good, we're no good!
We're no earthly good,
Like the best of us is no damn good!

The trouble is he's crazy.

The trouble is he links.

The trouble is he's lazy.

The trouble is he stinks.

The trouble is he's gruesome.

The trouble is he's grown.

Bupkes, we got troubles of our own!

Gee, Officer Bupkes,
We're down on our knees,
'Cause no one wants a wanker
With a social disease.
Gee, Officer Bupkes,
What are we to do?
Gee, Officer Bupkes,
Block you!

CopyClef 2008 Resurrection Hackware. All wrongs reversed.

"At Resurrection Hackware, we solemnly swear we are up to no good."