Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing HellFebruary 14th, 2009
WOOLWORTHS FOUNDATION SCHOOL OF POLITICAL DRAMATURGY, NETHER HELL — After nearly four years of construction at an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Kauderwelsch Review, the new 10th circle of Hell, finally opens its doors on Valentines Day.
|Graphic Courtesy The Onion|
Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell
"A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years necessitated the expansion of Hell," inferno spokesperson David Gerard said. "The traditional nine-tiered system had grown insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound."
Adding to the need for expansion, Gerard said, was the fact that a majority of the new arrivals possessed souls far more evil than the original nine circles were equipped to handle. "Demagogues, mendacious manipulators, swaggering soldiers of fortune, nefarious eaters of broken organ meats retained by rival forums, and creators of vexagonistic lunatic scapegoat psychodrama — these new arrivals represent a wave of spiritual decay and horror the likes of which Hell has never before seen," Gerard said.
Prior to the construction of the tenth circle, many among the new wave of sinners had been placed in such circles as Trolls and Troglodytes, Flamers and Spammers, Sowers of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Artless Crime Capers Against Art, and Common Hypocrites. Hell authorities, however, say that the new level, the Circle of Total Bastards, located at the site of the former Well of Interminable ArbCom Cases just above the Grawp's Tumescent Tool at Hell's Center, better suits their insidious brand of evil.
Curbolo Firus, a leading demonic presence, is one of the most vocal supporters of the new circle.
"In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new breed of sinners flooding our gates — demonizing forum owners, clique coordinators, cross-forum promoters, and vast hordes of cretinacious disinfotainment-industry malefactors troller-posting and typing on ergonomic keyboards while doing mouse wheelies at the same time. But now, we've finally got the sort of top-notch Pits of Doom necessary to give such repellent abominations the quality boilings they deserve."
Pausing to tear off the limbs of a former Wikipedia Review Mod, Curbolo added, "We're all tremendously excited about the many brand-new forms of torture and eternal pain this new level's state-of-the-art facilities will make possible."
Among the tortures the Kauderwelsch Circle of Total Bastards boasts: the Never-Ending Drive-By Posting, Manipulative PoV Pushing, Dopamine-Driven Flights of Fancy, and Unspeakably Scandalous Allegations.
The Circle also features a Hall of Hot Air, where condemned political pundits, clad in popcorn-festooned avatars soaked in spirit-draining acrimony, are forced to blather for centuries on end, covered in vomit and prodded with the distended ribs of skeletal, anorexic grandmothers, accompanied by an unending, ear-splittingly loud dance-remix version of the 2007 Barsoom Tork hit "The Night They Drove Old Moulton Down."
In a nearby area, IDCab Goons are forced to carry the mouse pads of uneducated Europhile migrant posters from project to project for eternity, withering under a constant barrage of verbal abuse from their former subservients as Jon Awbrey descends from the trees to peck at their livers while PrivateMusings nibbles on their spleens. In one of the deepest and most profane portions of the circle, unspeakable acts of admonition are said to be committed by a fire-breathing 'zilla with a menacing demeanor.
"In life, I did content management at Wells Fargo and Macys," one flame-blackened miscreant told reporters. "When I arrived here, they didn't know what to do with me. They put me in with those condemned to walk backwards with their heads turned all the way around on their necks, for the crime of attempting to manipulate the future. But then I sent a couple of invisible friends to the right people, and in no time flat, I secured a cushy spot for myself in the first circle of the Virtuous Unholy. Now that was a sweet deal. But before long, they caught on to my game and transferred me here to the realm of Total Bastards. I've been shrieking for mercy like a goddamn cretin ever since."
Her face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, Durova, a part-time talk show host, said: "It's hell here — there are too many seagulls dropping guano, I can't get any favorable press, my blog site is frequented by snarky characters. I'm dissed every 30 seconds, and there's no way to return the favor. Plus, I'm being boiled upside down in lard while jackals gnaw at the soles of my feet. If I could just reach the outcropping on that nearby rock, I could signal some well-placed associates and work something out, but it's just out of my grasp, and I'm out of patience, out of mercy, and I'm constantly hearing the message, 'No Personal Attacks, No Personal Attacks, No Personal Attacks.'"
She then resumed screaming in agony.
KillerChihuahua, a Captain in Hell's elite Demon Corps and supervisor in charge of assignments for the new circle, said Hell's future looks bright, thanks to the new circle.
"Things are definitely looking up," Killer said. "We're now far better equipped, and we're ready to take on the most Unholy Atrocities humanity has to offer."
"We're really on the growth spurt down here," KillerChihuahua added. "This is an exciting time to be in Hell."