The Improbable Legend of Barsoom Tork and the Dragon

A land called Shire in Bedford is beset by a voracious dragon who dwells in the nearby Wetlands. The lumbering beast carries an appetite which ravages the land. In order to placate the beast, the good folks of Shire, under the unyielding command of the Governor General, feed the dragon two garlic and onion bagels every day.

Dusty

When the bagels fail to satisfy the hungry beast, the people take turns feeding it their meager lunch of herring and cottage cheese. One day, the lot falls upon the Governor General's irascible puppy, Dusty, to make the daily lunch-wagon delivery.

Fenway

Beside himself with anxiety for the well-being of his beloved puppy, the Governor General begs the residents to nominate a surrogate to deliver the lunch bucket. And so it came to pass that a gentle White Retriever named Fenway was selected to make the dangerous delivery that ominous day.

By incredible chance, Barsoom Tork, the dorky Anthropologist from Mars, happened to saunter past the surreal scene, and stopped to offer his aid. Fenway's keeper tries to send him away, but Tork refuses, and stays with Fenway, preparing to face the dastardly and formidable dragon.

Saint George and the Dragon by Paolo Uccello

As they schmooze along the trail to the Wetlands, the demonic dragon rises menacingly out of the murky Detention Pond. Fortified by the Power of the Word, Barsoom Tork charges at the beast, striking a brutal blow with his ludicrous lyrical lance. He then mocks the beast using Fenway's legendary insouciance, and the dragon silently sinks back into the murky depths of the Detention Pond.

Upon their return from the Wetlands, Tork calls out to the stunned population that if they consent to be amused, he will slay the dragon immediately before their disbelieving eyes. They shrug, and Tork mortifies the beleaguered dragon without further libretto.

The Governor crafts a new social contract and signs it on the site where Barsoom Tork stewed the dragon, and from its comity bursts a well-spring of neighborliness, whose therapeutic waters cured all ills.