Ottavion Abdomovich Darkolnikov is a young ex-student of letters, law, and bloodlust living in extreme ennui in a dank basement in Darkansas. He lives in a tiny backwater where he rants, although due to a lack of fun has been avoiding learning for quite some time (he claims the gloom aggravates his repression). He acts like a grouch using old papers as a dildofap, and due to lack of motivation studies very rarely, although the neighbors sometimes send their sockpuppets into his quarters with food for thought. He is frequently referred to as a former student because he doesn't have the desire to finish his education. Spiritually, physically (due to lack of outdoor exercise) and emotionally distressed, his behaviour in public becomes progressively more erratic through the drama as madness gradually consumes him. Darkolnikov fluctuates between extremes of altruism and inexplicable antipathy. He is described by his acquaintances as "darkly pallid" and many other observers in the basement state that he is very intelligent, but tragically misguided.
In The Crime of the Ancient Mariner, Darkolnikov kiboshes an Albatross with a banhammer he keeps in the janitor's hall closet, with the intention of baleting its cries for good cause, based on a theory he had developed of the "bad actor" (often misunderstood as similar to the Übertroll of Kitsche [dubious – discuss]).
In one famous rant, Darkolnikov cries out, "Good Goat! Can it be, can it be, that I shall ritually take a toy banhammer, that I shall strike the Albatross on the block, split its skull asunder ... that I shall tread in the icky dark slum, break the peace, steal and tremble; hide, all spattered in the crud ... with the toy banhammer ... Good Goat, can it be?"
[Source: "The Scream of a Ridiculous Kid" by Fyodor Moultonevsky]
Ottavion Adambromovich Raskolnikov is a young ex-student of letters, law, and lust living in extreme poverty in St. Jimboland. He lives in a tiny backwater where he rants, although due to a lack of fun has been avoiding learning for quite some time (he claims the gloom aggravates his depression). He acts like a grouch using old papers as a dildofap, and due to lack of motivation studies very rarely, although the neighbors sometimes send their sockpuppets into his quarters with food for thought. He is frequently referred to as a former student because he doesn't have the desire to finish his education. Spiritually, physically (due to lack of outdoor exercise) and emotionally distressed, his behaviour in public becomes progressively more erratic through the drama as madness gradually consumes him. Raskolnikov fluctuates between extremes of altruism and inexplicable antipathy. He is described by his acquaintances as "glumly blue in the face" and many other observers in the dark state that he is very intelligent, but tragically misguided.
In The Crime of the Ancient Mariner, Raskolnikov kiboshes an Albatross with a toy banhammer he keeps in the janitor's hall closet, with the intention of baleting its cries for good cause, based on a theory he had developed of the "bad actor" (often misunderstood as similar to the Übertroll of Kitsche [dubious – discuss]).
In one famous rant, Raskolnikov cries out, "Good God! Can it be, can it be, that I shall ritually take a toy banhammer, that I shall strike the Albatross on the block, split its skull asunder ... that I shall tread in the icky dark slum, break the peace, steal and tremble; hide, all spattered in the crud ... with the toy banhammer ... Good God, can it be?"
[Source: "The Scream of a Ridiculous Man" by Fyodor Moultonevsky]
Title: Sea Sick, So Name I Thee
Libretto: Benjamin Miller
Music: Richard Wagner
YouTube: Die Walküre (The Valkyrie) Act 1, Scene 3, Part 2 Ship's Captain:
Sea sick, so name I thee!
Jimbo: (Vomits on the deck)
Sea sick call me for sea sick am I!
Be witness this ship I stumble on nauseated!
Walse given me in sorest need,
promethazine I find: I take it now!
Nausea's lurch most highest need,
gut-wrenching piercing convulsing need,
turning green on my face,
drives to vomiting and falling down:
Vertigo! Vertigo! so I name thee, sea sickness.
Vertigo! Vertigo! conquering croppy flop!
Shew now thy biting, twitching gyrate!
Go now from my stomach to someone else!
(With a powerful effort Jimbo stumbles to a deck chair and collapses)
Jimbo, the sea sick, see you here!
With motion sickness he collapses on this chair;
so wins for him a nausea most blessed;
from stumbling and swaying thus ruins my vacation.
From my stomach leave me now,
forth to the over laden buffet table:
there stands thee some people I have never met before,
when Jimbo lies sea sick on the deck chair!
CopyClef 2013 Richard Wagner and Benjamin Miller. Resurrection Hackware. All Songs Reused.
I have tried to express the terrible passions of the Rocky Horror Brain Caffiends by means of puns and scenes.
The stage is dull beige and stark mellow with a dream clue fable in the middle; there are four Leiben-Faerie vamps with a Crow of blancmange and spleen.
Everywhere there is a clash and contrast of the most alien dreads and screams, in the figures of brittle creeping hooligans, in the numpty dreary gloom, in violated hues and inscrutable clues.
The dull beige and the stark mellow of the clue fable, for instance, contrast with the soft- centered Garfunkel sheen of the walkout, in which there is a prose forlorn prayer.
The slight hammer of the Concierge, watchful in a corner of that foo-place, turns deja-mellow like pale luminous whipped cream.
Barsoom van Tork, 7 May 2015
Overture
Title: An Emopera Gonna Come
Artist: Moulton
Composer: Sam Cooke and Barsoom Tork Associates
YouTube: A Change Is Gonna Come — Sam Cooke
It's been a long
A long time coming but I know Emopera gon' come
Oh, yes it will
It's been too hard rocking but I'm afraid to say
'Cause I don't know what's out there beyond this fray
It's been a long
A long time coming, but I know a hiatus gon' come
Oh, yes it will
I go to Facebook and I GoAnimate
Somebody keep telling me, "Embrace your fate"
It's been a long
A long time coming but I know an Opera gon' come
Oh, yes it will
Then I go to that Martian and I say, "Barsoom help me please"
But he winds up mocking me with song parodies
Caprice ~ The Fantastic Flying Scapegoat for Azazel
Oh, there've been times that I thought
I couldn't last so long
Now I think I'm able to sing this song
It's been a long
A long time coming but I know Azazel gon' come
Oh, yes he will
CopyClef 2015 Sam Cooke and Barsoom Tork Associates. Resurrection Hackware. All wrongs reversed.
"At Resurrection Hackware, we solemnly swear we are up to no good."
A Change Is Gonna Come — Sam Cooke
Narrator
What we have in mind on this auspiciously suspicious occasion is a Shreklisch 21st Century CyberSpace Emopera, in which the Scooby Gang, played by Barsoom Tork Associates, mount a performance in two or three unnatural acts on the stage of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (MST3K) entitled, "Rocky Horror Brain Cafe."
The all-important audience, representing the shadowed silhouettes on the walls of Plato's Cave include Tom Servo, Darth Feuder and Crow T. Foobot, representing the kvetching and trolling commentators in the audience who gleefully egg on the beleaguered and overworked actors on stage.
Your host for tonight's performance is Todd, in the role of the sober-sounding narrator and interpreter, otherwise known as The Stark Illuminati. Our Theater Proprietor and Concierge is Becca McCall (nee Becca Nicole), who is endlessly at the motherly beck and call of the emotional needs of our sizable and occasionally anhedonic theater audience.
Before introducing the rest of tonight's cast, let's enjoy a musical prelude to our story.
This number is a lovely duet between Becca Nicole and Barsoom Tork, based on the classic duet between Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli.
Prelude
Title: Time To Say Goodbye
Artist: Becca Nicole and Barsoom Tork
Composer: Francesco Sartori, Lucio Quarantotto, and Barsoom Tork Associates
Late at night I dream of TBC and words flood over me
There's no insight in a thread where there is no light
And there is no light if trolls persist in teasing thee
From every plaint I learn that you've bewildered some
Into me you poured your plight that long has haunted thee
Time to say goodbye
Operas never sung nor yet composed anew
Create them now I beg of you
Please take a break with your hiatus crew
Two weeks will do
Dawdle not my friend nor tarry: adieu
It's time to say goodbye
(Barsoom Tork)
Late night my screen turns dark and moods flood over me
Of course I know your heart is part of me
You're like my Mom, I sense you're never far from me
You, my concierge, you sometimes fear for me
Dear me, dear me, dear me
Time to say goodbye
Emoperas not yet sprung shall soon emerge from Scooby crew
Time enough to wreak some parodies anew
Reworking old ones until the Muse comes through
It's time to say goodbye
(Both)
To Sandy's box, let's hie, hence to create a few
Atrocious scripts and dreadful puns, whee hoo!
Our gloom shall not persist in spite all night:
Release brings juvenile derring-do
Revival mode: let's craft a Horror Picture Show
You and me
CopyClef 2015 Francesco Sartori, Lucio Quarantotto, and Barsoom Tork Associates.
Resurrection Hackware. All songs abused.
"At Resurrection Hackware, our annoying song parodies are your everlasting earworm."
Time To Say Goodbye — Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli
Narrator
Caprice will be playing the role of Scooby Doo, since that's a non-speaking part. Mani, Sabrina, Sandip, and Jen will play the other characters in the Scooby Gang.
Tonight's production will be featuring some random artwork and atrocious song parodies, of course. Our shreklisch drama begins with an homage to "The Hero's Journey," featuring Mani, Sabrina, Sandip, and Jen as the Scooby Gang, with special cameo guest appearances by Jeffery, Elizabeth, Carol, and Lisa.
Aria
Title: SuperHeroes
Artists: Scooby Gang
Composer: Barsoom Tork Associates
YouTube: SuperHeroes — Rocky Horror Picture Show (Mani) I've done a lot
God knows I'm snide
Let's find the truth
Not magnified
But all I know
Is down inside we're
(Scooby Chorus)
Bleeding
(Sabrina)
And Super Heroes
Come to feast
Lambaste the mess
Not yet released
And all I know is
Still the beast is
(Scooby Chorus)
Feeding
(Sandip)
And sprawling with their CyberBrain
Homo Schleppians take the train
Lost in time, it's all in vain
And screaming
(Scooby Chorus with Munch's "Geshrai")
Screaming
CopyClef 2015 Barsoom Tork Associates. North American Bupkis. All wrongs reversed.
"At North American Bupkis, Lunatic Drama is our most important offense."
SuperHeroes — Charles Gray, Susan Sarandon, and Barry Bostwick
Narrator
Becca McCall has blown the whistle on Moulton, who vigorously complains that's she's acting in error and in haste without researching the predictable consequences of her prospective action. Deaf to his cries, Moulton forlornly belts out an atrocious, yet oddly anticipated solo ranticle.
Ranticle
Title: Mother Superior Jumped the Gun
Artist: Moulton
Composer: John Lennon and Barsoom Tork Associates
YouTube: Happiness Is a Warm Gun — John Lennon Becca's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do do do, oh yeah
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a gecko on a window pane
The man in the crowd with the multi-coloured mirrors
On his shreklisch blogs
Scrying with his eyes while his fingers are busy
Clacking overtime
A soap opera session which he retched
And donated to the Rational Trust
Down
I need a trick 'cuz I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a trick 'cuz I'm going down
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Hoopiness is a warm pun (Hoopiness dang, dang, hoot, hoot)
Foofyness is a warm pun, Becca (Foofyness slang, slang, toot, toot)
When I scold you with my charms (Oo-oo oh yeah)
And I tap my keycaps o'er on Blogger (Oo-oo oh yeah)
I know lampoons can do no harm (Oo-oo oh yeah)
Because hoopiness is a warm pun, Becca
(Hoopiness dang, dang, hoot, hoot)
Hoopiness is a warm pun, yes it is (Hoopiness dang, dang, hoot, hoot)
Foofyness is a warm, yes it is, pun (Foofyness slang, slang, toot, toot)
Well, don't you know hoopiness is a warm pun, Becca?
(Hoopiness is a warm pun, yeah)
CopyClef 2015 John Lennon and Barsoom Tork Associates. North American Bupkis. All songs abused.
"At North American Bupkis, we haven't got time for mopery."
Happiness Is a Warm Gun — John Lennon
Narrator Meanwhile, the MST3K audience is getting excited. Tom Servo, unable to contain himself, gets into the act.
Audience Participation
Title: Amida Queen (This Troll Has Grown)
Artist: Tom Servo
Composer: John Lennon, Paul McCartney and Barsoom Tork Associates
YouTube: Norwegian Wood — The Beatles
I once had a troll, or should I say, she once trolled me
I showed her my blog, isn't it keen, Amida Queen?
She asked me to play and she told me to blog with a flair
So I looked around and I reckoned this wasn't hot air
I sat on the thread, cocking my head, spelunking wry bread
We talked until two and then she said, "There's something to dread."
She gave me a puzzle, then bade me to leave it alone
So I gave it to Scooby who loves to gnaw on a bone
And when morning came, this troll had a name
So I wrote a tune, isn't it keen, Amida Queen?
CopyClef 2015 John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and Barsoom Tork Associates. Resurrection Hackware. All songs reused.
"At Resurrection Hackware, our atrocious song parodies are your existential nightmare."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to indict a stubborn scientist?
You caffiends have mischaracterized and indicted a dozen annoying scientists this week. What are you gonna do next week?
Caffiends
Scapegoat a dozen more.
Inspector Callaban
Is that what you neuro-topicals are all about, being hard-ass blue meanies?
Caffiends
All our sheriffs are goof-offs. We are the first generation that's learned to game the system. We're simply purging Facebook of dorky scientists that would be caught out and banished anyway if our rules and guidelines worked properly. We began with the MIT geeks that the people know, so that our actions would be understood and applauded. It's not just a question of whether or not to use ostracism. There simply is no other way, Inspector. You of all people should understand that. Either you're for us or you're against us.
Inspector Callaban
I'm afraid you've misbudged me.
Magnum Force — I'm Afraid You've Misjudged Me — Clint Eastwood
The Dog Fight
Title: Scooby Doo vs. Darth Feuder
Artists: Scooby Doo, Darth Feuder, and the Keystone Kops
Composer: Phil Gernhard, Dick Holler and Barsoom Tork Associates
YouTube: Snoopy vs. the Red Baron — The Royal Guardsmen
Achtung! Jetzt singen wir gemeinsam die Geschichte Über Darth Feuder, die Funkadoodle von Dysfunktionalität Und die lästigen Barsoom Tork vom MIT
After the turn of the century
In the theatrical arch of the TBC
Came a liminal drama never seen before
Like the silent scream of a lunatic war
Eins, zwei, drei, vier ....
Up came a scare like a runaway train
Barsoom Tork was his avatar name Stop Requests tried and Stop Requests fried
Now they're scattered all over the countryside
Ten, twenty, thirty, forty Keystone Kops
The meddlesome Tork was engaging their chops
Valiant Gate Keepers tried to end that spree
Of Barsoom Tork of MIT
Left, two, three, four ....
In the nick of time, a hero arose
A Lissatone Lass with a big fire hose
She raced into the scene to stop that runaway train
But Barsoom shot her down "Curses, foiled again!"
Ten, twenty, thirty, forty Keystone Kops
The meddlesome Tork was engaging their chops
Valiant Gate Keepers tried to end that spree
Of Barsoom Tork of MIT
Now, Darth Feuder had sworn that she'd get that dork
So she asked the Great Concierge for a trident fork
She challenged Caprice to a juicy food fight
And while Barsoom was laughing, bonked him late at night
That engineer quickly
Switch-tracked his trains
He tried every route,
But ran out of refrains
Darth Feuder bonked once
And then rebonked him twice more
And that meddlesome academic
Was again shown the door
Ten, twenty, thirty, forty Keystone Kops
The meddlesome Tork
Was engaging their chops
Valiant Gate Keepers tried to end that spree
Of Barsoom Tork of MIT
Well, ten, twenty, thirty, forty Keystone Kops
Were bound and determined to pull out the stops
Valiant Gate Keepers tried to end that spree
Of that meddlesome geek from MIT
CopyClef 2015 Phil Gernhard, Dick Holler and Barsoom Tork Associates. Resurrection Hackware. All wrongs reversed.
"At Resurrection Hackware, our atrocious song parodies are your existential nightmare."
Snoopy vs. the Red Baron — The Royal Guardsmen
The "Go Jump In the Lake" scene ...
At this point, Scooby Doo turns up, covered in mud.
In barely recognizable dog prosody, Scooby says, "I'm afraid you've mis-smudged me."
Scooby then jumps in the lake, comes out "all washed up," and vigorously shakes his body.
Barsoom Tork is my name, and I rode on the Caffiend Train,
'Til so much rivalry came and tore up the tracks again.
In the Spring of Skandalon, we were rollin, just trollin' for bait.
I took the Train to Becca's Hostel, it was a time I remember, oh so well.
The Night They Drove Old Moulton Down, and all the bells were ringing,
The Night They Drove Old Moulton Down, and all the caffeind's were stingin'.
They went
Na,
Na, na, na, na, na,
Blah, blah, buh blah,
Buh blah blah, blah blah
Back with Jen at Indignity, and one day she said to me,
"Moulton, quick, come see, a-there goes Sandip on a spree!"
Now I don't mind "Please stop it, Dood!"
And I don't care if Darth Feuder is crude.
Just take what ya need and efface the rest,
But they should never have blasphemed the very best.
The Night They Drove Old Moulton Down, and all the bells were ringing,
The Night They Drove Old Moulton Down, and all the caffiends were stingin'.
They went
Na,
Na, na, na, na, na,
Blah, blah, buh blah,
Buh blah blah, blah blah
"True Rebel"
Like my father before me, I'm a working man,
And like Mani before me, I took a rebel stand.
Well, he was just pissed off, proud and brave,
But Becca McCall laid him in his grave,
I swear by the verse below my feet,
You can't raise the Torkel back up when he's in defeat.
The Night They Drove Old Moulton Down, and all the bells were ringing,
The Night They Drove Old Moulton Down, and all the people were stingin'.
They went
Na,
Na, na, na, na, na,
Blah, blah, buh blah,
Buh blah blah, blah blah
CopyClef 2015 Robbie Robertson, Joan Baez, and Barsoom Tork Associates.
Resurrection Hackware. All wrongs reversed.
"At Resurrection Hackware, we bring the zombies back to life."
The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down — The Band
Walk-Out Music El Condor Pasa (If I Could) — Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel
I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail
Yes I would, if I could, I surely would
I'd rather be a hammer than a nail
Yes I would, if I only could, I surely would
Away, I'd rather sail away
Like a swan that's here and gone
A man gets tied up to the ground
He gives the world its saddest sound
Its saddest sound
I'd rather be a forest than a street
Yes I would, if I could, I surely would
I'd rather feel the earth beneath my feet
Yes I would, if I only could, I surely would
El Condor Pasa — Simon and Garfunkel
Curtain Call
Title: I'm Gamboling Home
Artist: Caprice and the Scooby Gang
Composer: Barsoom Tork Associates
Album: Curried Lava
YouTube: I'm Going Home— Tim Curry
Caprice ~ The Fantastic Flying Scapegoat for Azazel
Caprice: On the day I was sent away
Scooby Chorus: Goodbye
Caprice: Was all I had to say
Scooby Chorus: Now I
Caprice: I want to redact my dossier
Scooby Chorus: Oh my
Caprice:
Smile, and that will mean I may
'Cause I've seen Rocky Horrors
Through the exits out your doors
And I realize I'm gamboling home
Scooby Chorus: I'm gamboling home
Caprice: Everywhere, it's been the same
Scooby Chorus: Oy vey
Caprice: Like I'm outside of the Brain
Scooby Chorus: Cafe
Caprice: Free to fast-track a brief
Scooby Chorus: Delay
Caprice:
Words for sorrow
Words for pain
'Cause I've seen Rocky Horrors
Through the exits out your doors
And I realize I'm gamboling home
Scooby Chorus:
I'm gamboling home
I'm gamboling home
I'm gamboling home
CopyClef 2015 Barsoom Tork Associates. Resurrection Hackware. All wrongs reversed.
"At Resurrection Hackware, our irritating song parodies are your everlasting earworm."
Hammurabic Disclaimer: The above Guerrilla Theatre Performance Art is a Comic Opera, featuring ridiculous caricatures of some real people. Such silly caricatures are not to be taken seriously.
The Crime of the Ancient Mariner, Darkolnikov kiboshes an Albatross with a banhammer he keeps in the janitor's hall closet, with the intention of baleting its cries for good cause, based on a theory he had developed of the "bad actor" (often misunderstood as similar to the Übertroll of Kitsche [dubious – discuss]).
Darkolnikov cries out, "Good Goat! Can it be, can it be, that I shall ritually take a toy banhammer, that I shall strike the Albatross on the block, split its skull asunder ... that I shall tread in the icky dark slum, break the peace, steal and tremble; hide, all spattered in the crud ... with the toy banhammer ... Good Goat, can it be?"
