Schadenfreude Theatre of the Absurd

Here, from Alisence and Barsoom Tork Associates ...

Gastrin Bombesin, your host of Schadenfreude Theatre, introduces today's episode of Lunatic Drama, sponsored by Cluster B...

Schadenfreude Theatre

With Gastrin Bombesin

Sponsored by Cluster B

Featuring the Baletomatic 76 Commercial

Welcome to Lunatic Drama, sponsored by Cluster B.

I'm Gastrin Bombesin, your host on Schadenfreude Theatre.

Today's episode, Block Party, features your favorite zany characters from Wikiversity.

But first let me tell you about a yummy new recipe for enjoying Cluster B.

Yes, Cluster/B/Phreaks, the days of meddlesome trolls and troublesome vandals are over.

Because Cluster B is the yummy treat that lets you blend Anonymity with no wasted time, effort, or tedious due process.

Here's how it works.

Remove the wrapper and drop the Cluster B — that's the HOLE Cluster B — into your Baletomatic 76 Blender along with a cold can of Anonymity.

Now adjust the control dial so that the Cluster B is blended with Anonymity just the way you like it.

There's no better way to enjoy the taste of Cluster B with Anonymity.

And now, boys and girls, it's time for more Lunatic Drama here on Schadenfreude Theatre ...

Lunatic Drama

Block Party with Sweet Badass John and Jumbo Whale

Mockin' the Dog

Title: Mockin' the Dog
Artist: Alisence
Composer: Rufus Thomas and Barsoom Tork Associates
Instrumental: Walkin' the Dog — The Who

Dar Kama dressed in black
Cupid's arrows shot through a crack
Slung low, embattled foe
Barsoom mocked the Poodle — what a horror show

Mockin' the dog, I'm just a-mocking that dog
Well if you don't know how to do it
I'll show you how to mock the dog

Ask Dar Kama for common sense
Colbert's elephant jumped the fence
It jumped so high it rattled the sky
Didn't come back 'til the Fourth of July

Mockin' the dog, I'm just a-mocking that dog
Well if you don't know how to do it
I'll show you how to mock the dog

Abd Lomax, quite contrary
How does your steampunk flow
Hell's Bells
Fusion Cells an' little itsy bitsy bubble noise trails,
Wallucinations all in a row
Mockin' your fog

I'm just a-mocking your dog
Well if you don't know how to do it
I'll show you how to mock the dog
Well if you don't know how to screw it
I'll show you how to mock the dog
Well if you don't know how to foo it
I'll show you how to mock the, dog

CopyClef 2011 Rufus Thomas and Barsoom Tork Associates.
Resurrection Hackware. All songs abused.

"At Resurrection Hackware, Lunatic Drama is our most important offense."

Dr. Rangeblock

Here, from Barsoom Tork Associates, is a new cartoon parody, Dr. Rangeblock -or- How I Learned to Stop Lamenting and Love the Lunatic Psychodrama ...

Dr. Rangeblock

-or-

How I Learned to Stop Lamenting and Love the Lunatic Drama

Ottavion Abdomovich Darkolnikov is a young ex-student of letters, law, and bloodlust living in extreme ennui in a dank basement in Darkansas. He lives in a tiny backwater where he rants, although due to a lack of joy has been avoiding learning for quite some time. (He claims the gloom aggravates his depression.)

In this segment, Ottavion Abdomovich Darkolnikov is obliged to deliver some bad news to his boss, Fyodor Moultonevsky. It seems that something has gone terribly wrong with the PoV (the Neutral PoV).

Ottavion Abdomovich Darkolnikov: Now then, Fyodor, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the PoV.

Fyodor Moultonevsky: Eh?

Darkolnikov: The PoV, Fyodor ...

Moultonevsky: What?!?

Darkolnikov: The Neutral PoV!

Moultonevsky: Oy!

Darkolnikov: Well now, what happened is ... ah ... one of our Wikiversity editors ... he had a sort of ... well, he went a little shpilkes in the gennecktegessoink ... you know ... just a little ... verklempt. And, uh ... he went and did a loony thing. ...

Moultonevsky: ???

Darkolnikov: Well, I'll tell you what he did. He wrote a cartoon parody ... to mock your cultural model...

Moultonevsky: What?!?

Darkolnikov: Uh, well, let me finish, Fyodor. ...

Moultonevsky: ???

Darkolnikov: Let me finish ...

Moultonevsky: !?!

Darkolnikov: Well listen, how do you think I feel about it?! ...Can you imagine how I feel about it, Fyodor? Eh?

Bombesin Man

Title: Bombesin Man
Artist: Alliecat
Composer: Phoebe Snow and Albatross
YouTube: Poetry Man — Phoebe Snow

Eeeoow, ya, ya, ya, ya
Eeooow, ya
You make me cringe
'Cause your messages are a fright
They drill right through me, la, la, la
You brash troll goy
You sent another tweet
Don't send it to me, no, not to me, no
No no

Ooh, oh, bug off, now I'm sore
You don't have a show
You're the Bombesin Man
You make my goosebumps tight, ya, ya

Eeeoow, ya, ya, ya, ya
Eeeoow, ya
You are a freakie
And all I ask for is a trial
Each time I read your mail, la, la, la
When I Yelp "Mo' Pho"
I have a yummy tummy rush
This parody's an epic fail, la, la

Sing to me no more
You're not Phoebe Snow
You're the Bombesin Man
You make my goosebumps tight, ya, ya

Eeeooow, ya, ya, ya
Eeeooow, ya

Sing to me no more
You're not Phoebe Snow
You're the Bombesin Man
You make my goosebumps tight
Eeeooow, ya, ya, ya, ya
Eeeooow, ya

So once again
It's time to say, "No song."
And one less holy rant and rave, la, la, la
You're going wrong now
Pho Nam's that place somewhere I go each day
That's what I crave, ya, ya, ya
That's what I crave
Wooo, oooh

Sing to me no more
You're not Phoebe Snow
You're the Bombesin Man
You make my goosebumps tight
Wooo, oooh

Sing to me no more
You're not Phoebe Snow
You're the Bombesin Man
You make my goosebumps tight

CopyClef 2011 Phoebe Snow and Albatross.
North American Bupkis. All wrongs reversed.

"At North American Bupkis, we scare the bejesus out of you."

Poetry Man — Phoebe Snow

Don't Tread On Me

A propos of absolutely nothing, here are some photographs of a venomous snake, Echis Coloratus, also known as the Israeli Saw-Scaled Viper, Burton's Carpet, or Painted Carpet.




This deadly snake is most likely the one described as the "Fiery Flying Serpent" in biblical accounts (e.g. Numbers 21). The Caduceus symbol of the medical profession might also be grounded in that same story.

This snake can lunge through the air at high speed. Its venomous bite leaves a fiery burning sensation, and death occurs from slow internal bleeding.

But there is another mystery here. The same story (Numbers 21) says that the cure was to gaze upon a bronze cast of the snake, mounted on a staff. How could that save you?

Keep in mind that the venom in the bite contained a powerful anti-coagulant, so that the panicked victim bled to death. The panic, of course, was mediated by the operation of the Amygdala and Hippocampus — the brain's fear processor — which released heart-pumping Adrenalin which hastened the bleeding. By gazing upon a bronze replica of the snake, the person 'faced their fear' and that helped arrest the panic attack. With the adrenalin surge attenuated, the victim was less likely to bleed to death from a racing heart.

The name of this snake suggests it may also be the inspiration for the storybook notion of the Arabian Flying Carpet.

The notion, suggested in Numbers 21, of conquering one's fears by contemplating a harmless model or a replica of them is found today in our unending fascination with games, simulations, plays, and other artistic recreations of dreadful situations.

We do not make idols of our gods, but of our demons. By reckoning the idol of a demon, we lose our dread of it.

And the goofy demon thereby loses its grip on us.

Real Slow Drag

Title: Real Slow Drag
Artist: Gastrin Bombesin and the Ghastly Chorale
Composer: Scott Joplin and Montana Mouse
Opera: Treemonisha
YouTube: Real Slow Drag — Tay Zonday

Ignore your stalker, he's a drag... drag... drag...
Such an old slacker, such a drag. Why won't he stop?
Look at your fright and feel the drag... drag... drag...
Veer to the left, to the left, that's the way.

Lurching onward, lurching onward,
Lurching to that lonely tune;
Slouching onward, slouching onward,
Dreary as a jerk in jail.
Sliding onward, sliding onward,
Listen to this rag.
Dread... and retreat... and do that slow-o-o,
Do that Slow Drag.

Rants holy, glance slowly,
While you hear that solemn rag.
Rant slowly, glance slowly,
Now you fight the real slow drag.
Walk slowly, talk lowly,
Listen to that rag, listen to that rag.
Stop... and retreat... and do that slow-o-o,
Do that Slow Drag.

Move along, don't stop,
Don't stop ranting, drag along. Stop!
Move along, don't stop,
Don't stop ranting, drag along,
Doing the Real Slow Drag.

Lurching onward, lurching onward,
Lurching to that lonely tune;
Slouching onward, slouching onward,
Dreary as a jerk in jail.
Sliding onward, sliding onward,
Listen to this rag.
Dread... and retreat... and do that slow-o-o,
Do that Slow Drag.

Rants holy, glance slowly,
While you hear that dreary rag.
Rant slowly, pant slowly,
Now you fight the real slow drag.
Walk slowly, talk lowly,
Listen to that rag, listen to that rag.
Stop... and retreat... and do that slow-o-o,
Do that Slow Drag.
Slow - o - o - o.

CopyClef 2011 Scott Joplin and Montana Mouse.
North American Bupkis. All wrongs reversed.

"At North American Bupkis, we haven't got time for mopery."

Real Slow Drag — Tay Zonday

From Treemonisha by Scott Joplin

WVBD Jingle

Here is a cartoon animation about creating a jingle for WVBD.

Truth in Advertising

“

Every Sunday, mourning, over WVBD ... B&D s’fargenigen. B&D s’men ken a bootkick krigen. A schnook, a Kort, a drama queen. Brengt areyn dayn klenem zing.

”

[Source: Red Buttons via The Barton Brothers' Borscht Belt comedy schtick "Joe and Paul" with Klezmer music accompaniment by Sholom Secunda, courtesy of the NPR Yiddish Radio Project.]

Now listen to the original comedy material, with the original Klezmer music, as recorded in the 1940s on Apollo Records...

Joe & Paul — The Barton Brothers

Original Parody of Yiddish Radio

We Will Mock You

Title: We Will Mock You
Artist: Sock ID Salmon Chorus
Composer: Brian May and Barsoom Tork Associates
YouTube: We Will Rock You — Queen

Killer Poodle you’re a Bitch
With a Cluster/B/Arf
Playin’ Lunatic Drama
Gonna be a Death Eater some day

You got blood on your paws
You dig outlaws
Wavin' banhammers all over the place

We will we will mock you
We will we will sock too

Centaur you’re a tough nut, hard slut
Fightin’ in the Wiki
Gonna take down Moulton, you say

You got grudge on your face
You big disgrace
Wavin’ banhammers all over the place

We will we will block you
We will we will sock too

Jimbo you’re a big fish (you wish!)
Pleadin’ with your guys
Gonna make you a cartoon today

You got Moulton in your face
You big disgrace
Emopera's gonna put you back in your place

We will we will mock you
We will we will sock too

We will we will block you
We will we will sock too

We will we will rock you
We will we will sock too

CopyClef 2011 Brian May and Barsoom Tork Associates.
Resurrection Hackware. All wrongs reversed.

At Resurrection Hackware, we solemnly swear we are up to no good.

We Will Rock You — Queen

Planet Ayedee

An animation by Alisence ...

Title: Planet Ayedee
Series: Lunatic Drama: The Epic Misadventures of Barsoom Tork
Author: Alisence
Episode: Four

Episode 4: Planet Ayedee

Barsoom Tork: This is the Planet Ayedee, home of the Cabal. I'll beam down and try to find Tramp/B/.

[Beams down.]

Barsoom Tork: The smell of Anonymity is in the air. This must be the lair of the IDCabal.

WassaMattaHugh: Barsoom, I'm detecting life forms below your level. There might be a way down, but I could not risk a direct beaming.

Barsoom: The path is clear. I'm going in.

[Enters the Lair and finds multiple replicons of Tramp/B/.]

Barsoom: Tramp/B/, just how many of you are there in this Cabalistic Den of Lunatic Drama?

Tramp/B/: Just one. These are Tramp/C/, Tramp/D/, and Tramp/E/. They will replace me when I am caught violating the BLP Policy.

[Cheka arrives in response to Intruder Alert Signal.]

Tramp/B/: Take this Troll away. Block! Ban! Salt! Watch out for his tricks.

[Barsoom pinches Cheka's cojones.]

Cheka: Yeow!

Barsoom: That was a Martian Nerve Pinch. I think Tramp/B/ could use one, also.

[In a stunning maneuver, Tramp/B/ fires her phasors at Barsoom.]

Tramp/B/: You don't have to pummel him. He's unconscious.

[Scene shifts to Spammish Inquisition.]

Inquisitor: OK, Tork, you know why you are here.

Barsoom: The IDCabal has been adding false claims to Biographies of Living People.

Inquisitor: Hah hah hah hah. No. You are here to confess your WikiCrimes. First, I want you to say, "I am a Troll."

Barsoom: I don't even know who you are.

Inquisitor: I am Judge, Jury, Executioner. Now say, "I am a Troll."

Barsoom: Judge, you are a Troll.

[Cheka pummels Barsoom.]

Inquisitor: So, you want to do this the hard way, eh Tork?

Barsoom: I want to study why Wikipedia allows Sysops with Cluster B Personality Disorders to help the ID Cabal add false claims to Biographies.

[Inquisitor opens a Cluster B Candy Bar.]

Inquisitor: Yummy! Barsoom, it is time for you to try Cluster B.

Barsoom: High-sugar Cluster B and high-Dopamine Anonymity are a Toxic Combination that fuels Lunatic Drama.

Cheka: Try Cluster B, Barsoom. It is yummy.

Barsoom: The stench of Cluster B is making me nauseous.

[Beams away in the nick of time.]

Barsoom: Thanks for getting me out of there. I now know the secrets of the IDCabal.

WassaMattaHugh: Cluster B and Anonymity at a Wiki is deadly!

More animations from Alisence

Trout of Doubt

An animation by Alisence ...

Title: Trout of Doubt
Series: Lunatic Drama: The Epic Misadventures of Barsoom Tork
Author: Alisence
Episode: Three

Episode 3: Trout of Doubt

Barsoom Tork: How can I use this portal to travel back to Earth?

[WassaMattaHugh arrives.]

Barsoom: If it was you who saved me, I give you thanks. I am Barsoom Tork from Mars.

WassaMattaHugh: I am WassaMattaHugh. The IDCab Aliens have been using this portal to alter Earth's history.

Barsoom: I must return to Earth and confound the IDCabalists.

WassaMattaHugh: I'll send you to Wikiversity. You must study the ID Cabal. Be careful. The Salmon are running.

[Barsoom beams to Wikiversity.]

Barsoom: I'll start a Wikiversity Learning Project to study the ID Cabal. Is there any way to overcome dysfunctional Wiki processes that were developed at Wikipedia by the ID Cabal?

[Scene shifts to the Colloquium Bar and Grill.]

Barsoom: Well, WassaMattaHugh, Lunatic Drama followed us to Wikiversity. Salmon disrupted our Learning Project. Jimbo blocked me, but I will return to editing.

WassaMattaHugh: How will you resurrect yourself, Barsoom? Do tell?

Trout of Doubt: By eating Salmon on Fridays? Yummy!

Barsoom: No. Trout of Doubt, I have but 263,682 lives to give to my Opera; 141 atrocious song parodies. Make that 142.

[Killer Poodle arrives.]

Killer Poodle: /B/Arf! /B/Arf! [Translation: I smell something. Moulton! Vexagonistic Vandal.]

WassaMattaHugh: Now Killer Poodle has followed you to Wikiversity. Oh joy.

Killer Poodle: I voted to ban Moulton. You smell like Moulton

Barsoom: You know, Killer Poodle, I play many roles in this Emopera. Do you want a new role? Come along.

[Scene shifts to Barsoom's ship.]

Barsoom: I'll use some of your Killer Poodle Energy to power my new space ship. Yippee!

Next Episode: Planet Ayedee

Drinking the Anonymity Kool-Aid

An animation by Alisence ...

Title: Drinking the Anonymity Kool-Aid
Series: Lunatic Drama: The Epic Misadventures of Barsoom Tork
Author: Alisence
Episode: Two

Episode 2: Drinking the Anonymity Kool Aid

Felonious Lunk: Oh! Look! A new Wiki flavor — Anonymity.

[Drinks.]

Felonious Lunk: Yeow! What yummy Anonymity! Now I feel like I can do anything with Anonymity. I can make a Wiki user account, and then I can edit from work, even though that violates the terms of my employment. Who will know? Ha hah!

Felonious Lunk: That Vexagonistic Moulton is now editing at Wikiversity. I will make a new puppet account and harass Moulton at Wikiversity.

[Morphs into a new identitiy.]

Centaur of Attention: Anonymity at Wikiversity! Yippee!

Centaur of Attention: Great. Another puppet account, Salmon of Doubt, is also harassing Moulton. He'll get Moulton banned from Wikiversity in no time.

[Scene shifts to the Human Resources Department at Tracy's Department Store.]

Supervisor: It came to my attention that you have been using your work computer to engage in online harassment.

Felonious Lunk: Please. All I did was publish false claims about people while you payed me. I only harassed vexagonistic trolls like Moulton.

Next Episode: Trout of Doubt

Biography of a Killer Poodle

An animation by Alisence ...

Title: Biography of Killer Poodle
Series: Lunatic Drama: The Epic Misadventures of Barsoom Tork
Author: Alisence
Episode: One

Episode 1: Biography of Killer Poodle

Narrator: We go back in time to witness a violation of Wikipedia's policiy on Biography of Killer Poodle. Come with me to the past.

Narrator: An alien invader, code-name "Tramp/B/," arrives on Earth to edit Wikipedia, setting in motion years of lunatic drama.

Tempb: My BogoEditor will insert false claims into the biography of Dr. Affectiva, derailing her career and preventing MIT from developing the Q Sensor.

Narrator: Meanwhile, an Anthropologist from Mars is studying Wikipedia from the safety of his cloaked spaceship.

Caprice: Barsoom, the IDCab invaders are adding false claims to Wikipedia.

Barsoom Tork: I'll fix the biography of Dr. Affectiva. Tramp/B/ is obviously an IDCab invader, trying to alter the history of MIT.

Killer Poodle: /B/arf! /B/arf!

Barsoom Tork: Wow, my "Moulton" account at Wikipedia was subjected to a bad /B/arf by a vexagonistic sysop called "Killer Poodle."

Barsoom Tork: Fascinating. This Killer Poodle is working with the IDCab invaders. Killer Poodle is imposing /B/arfs on honest editors who remove the false claims added to biographies by the IDCab.

Killer Poodle: /B/arf! /B/arf!

Barsoom Tork: We are under attack. Shields up.

[Alarums and explosions.]

Barsoom Tork: My ship was destroyed by an IDCab attack. Someone transported me to safety, but where am I now?

Next Episode: Drinking the Anonymity Kool-Aid

An Opera Gonna Come

Title: An Opera Gonna Come
Artist: Moulton
Composer: Sam Cooke and Barsoom Tork Associates
YouTube: A Change Is Gonna Come — Sam Cooke

I was booted by IDCab in a little spat
Oh, and just like Caprice
I been an outcast ever since

It's been a long
A long time coming but I know a drama gon' come
Oh, yes it will

It's been too hard socking but I'm afraid to say
'Cause I don't know what's out there beyond this fray

It's been a long
A long time coming but I know a range-block gon' come
Oh, yes it will

I go to Facebook and I GoAnimate
Somebody keep telling me, "Embrace your fate"
It's been a long
A long time coming but I know an opera gon' come
Oh, yes it will

Then I go to that Martian and I say, "Barsoom help me please"
But he winds up mocking me with song parodies

Oh, there've been times that I thought
I couldn't last so long
Now I think I'm able to sing this song
It's been a long
A long time coming but I know
Azazel gon' come
Oh, yes he will

CopyClef 2011 Sam Cooke and Barsoom Tork Associates.
Resurrection Hackware. All wrongs reversed.


"At Resurrection Hackware, we solmenly swear we are up to no good."

A Change Is Gonna Come — Sam Cooke

The Operas We Are a-Stagin'

With apologies to Bob Dylan…

Come gather ’round people wherever you roam
And admit that the Kool Aid around you has phoamed
And accept it that soon you’ll be wrenched like a clone
If your name to you is worth savin’
Then you better start swimmin’ or you’ll sink like Capone
For the operas we are a-stagin’.

Come Stewards, Custodians, please heed the call
Don’t shut down my gateway, don’t range-block them all
For he that gets hurt will be he who was called
There’s a battle around and it is ragin’
It’ll soon shake your kishkes and inflame your gall
For the operas we are a-stagin’.

I've Got a Theory

Title: I've Got a Theory
Artist: Barsoom Tork Associates
Composer: Joss Whedon and Barsoom Tork Associates
YouTube: I've Got a Theory — Buffy and the Scooby Gang


(The Kohser)

I've got a theory, it's Peter Damian,
A logic demon... no, something isn't right there.


(Somey)

I've got a theory, Jimbo is dreamin'
And you're all stuck inside his Wikipedia nightmare.


(Barsoom Tork)

I've got a theory we should work this ou - t


(All but Caprice)

It's getting eerie, what's this cheery singing all about?


(Moulton)

It could be bitches, Death Eater Bitches...
Which is ridiculous 'cause bitches they weren't Cluster B
Playful mood and love to romp and puppy power
And I'll be without fear.


(Jonny Cache)

I've got a theory, it could be dummies...


all pause

[crickets chirp, Kato burps]


(Montana Mouse)

I've got a theor -


(Jonny Cache)

Dummies aren't just cute like everybody supposes,
They've got them banhammers and tin badge snotty noses.
And what's with all the Kool Aid?
What do they need such Dopamine thrills for anywa - y?
Dummies, dummies it must be dummies!

- pause -

...or maybe sycophants...


(Kelly Martin)

I've got a theory you should solve this quick.


(Kelly Martin & The Kohser)

Because it could be a serious bizness being sick.


(Caprice)

I've got a theory — it doesn't matte - r.
What can't we face if we're together?
What's in this farce that we can't weather?
Apocalypse? Is that a scare?
The same old trips. Why should we care?


(All)

What can't we do in a Comic Opera?
We'll work it through though it's a flop - era.
We have to try. We'll sing it twice.
Let's roll the dice.


(Caprice)

Hey, I've rolled twice!
What can't we face if we're together?


(The Kohser)

What can't we face?


(All)

What's in this farce that we can't weather?


(The Kohser)

If we're together.


(All)

There's nothing we can't fa - ce.


(Pause)


(Jonny Cache)

Except for dummies.

CopyClef 2011 Joss Whedon and Barsoom Tork Associates.
Resurrection Hackware. All wrongs reversed.

"At Resurrection Hackware, our revolting song parodies are unforgivably atrocious."

I've Got a Theory — Buffy & the Scooby Gang

Vandalism Alert in the Dark Bunker

A cartoon animation by Alisence...




Vandalism Alert in the Dark Bunker


Spider Hands: Jimbo is on the Colbert Report again. I expect more Lunatic Psychodrama. I better alert the WikiCops, for Openness!!!

Killer Poodle: Colbert! I'll never forget that elephant stunt. Vexagonistic vandalism alert!!!

Spider Hands: (on cell phone) Darth Drekko, this is a cult of personality alert! Turn on Comedy Central. Help!!!

Darth Drekko: Oh, no! Colbert has a bigger cult than Jimbo. Vandalism alert!!! Protect all pages!!! Lock down the Wiki!!! Ah!

Spider Hands: Colbert made "vexagonistic" the word of the day. Now thousands of people are adding "vexagonistic" to Wikipedia. ... Ah, Darth Drekko, globally blocked Moulton! He started this "vexagonistic" meme. Drat!

Darth Drekko: I will globally block Moulton and I will block anyone who uses the word "vexagonistic!" Double drat!

Spider Hands: Oh, I love it when Stewards strut around waving their Big Toy Banhammer. Oh yeah, oh yeah!

Darth Drekko: Hey! Jimbo already had Moulton's account globally blocked! Triple drat!

Killer Poodle: How many bad blocks does it take to silence Moulton?!? Vexagonistic Drama! Woof!


Closing Credits

Killer Poodle: Block Moulton as a disruptive PoV OR Warrior with no interest in writing an encyclopedia. No. Make that a ban.

Announcer: Find out why Wikimedia Foundation needs a Privacy Policy. That is, if you have the stomach for sickening stories. Yo!

Next Animation Segment: Wikiality: Privacy Policy

Cherubino's Aria

In Mozart’s Le Nozze di Figaro (The Marriage of Figaro), Cherubino is a wound-up little boy who laments the fires of love that burn inside his young, adolescent, lovesick heart.

Here is Cherubino's lament, as you have never heard it before.

Cherubino's Aria — Adya & Geisha

Non so più cosa son, cosa faccio...
Or di fuoco, ora sono di ghiaccio...
Ogni donna cangiar di colore,
Ogni donna mi fa palpitar.

I don't know any more what I am, what I'm doing...
First I'm on fire, then I'm iced...
Pretty women make me blush,
Hot chicks make my heart throb.

The HOLE Story

"Condemnation without investigation is the height of ignorance." —Albert Einstein.

The Four Keystone Kops of the Apocalypse are seen here chasing the bullet-ridden Fearless Fosdisk, the intrepid detective of a bygone comic book era.

Fearless Fosdick, with legendary epic failure, is thwarted at every turn, as he struggles in vain to tell The HOLE Story.

The HOLE Story is the story about this or that HOLE in our culture — a gap (or lacuna) that blocks progress in the Advance of Science and Civilization.

There is one HOLE in particular that is especially insidious. It's the one I call Humankind's Original Logic Error.

It's should come as no surprise that humans have a poor track record when it comes to mathematical reasoning and precision thinking. Even the best minds of mathematics have struggled to discover and correctly prove Mathematical Theorems (and to convincingly disprove False Conjectures).

There are a number of interesting mathematical notions that appear in the history of humankind's attempt to sort fact from fiction. Many of them have origins in Theology — a branch of study that predates the age of Scientific Theory and Mathematical Theorem.

"Theory" comes from the Greek, theoria, meaning, "I behold."

So what was the First HOLE — Humankind's Original Logic Error?

Augustine of Hippo called it by a different name. He called it Original Sin (from the Latin, sin, meaning a mistake, or "missing the mark."). If you blithely and foolishly adopt this classic misconception, suggests Augustine, you must have a HOLE in your head.

But what, precisely, (and in modern mathematical language) was the actual error here?

Taboo or Not Taboo? That Is the Question.

In Genesis, the mistake was referred to metaphorically, as "eating the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil." The warning (in Genesis 2:17) was that it's a deadly mistake to partake of the "Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil."

The mistake arises because of mankind's predilection to dichotomize notions like Good and Evil into two binary categories (like Right and Wrong, OK and Not OK, Lawful and Unlawful). Such binary categories require Judgment as to which side of some presumptive bright line to classify some situation or event.

Error Function (in Blue) vs. 
Heaviside Switch Function

Dividing things into two binary categories is a tragic mathematical blunder, because there is a continuum between Saintly Good and Demonic Evil. Whenever there is a continuum, there needs to be a smooth and graceful continuous response, rather than a sudden switch from acceptance to rejection, or from tolerance to intolerance.

And so it's a subtle math error, to impose a binary function over the spectrum rather than to devise a graceful and continuous response function.

According to Simon Baron-Cohen (cousin of the comedian Sascha Baron Cohen), the function we are most in need of is the Empathy Function.

As to Humankind's Original Logic Error, I'll take "Or Else" for Twenty Quatloos, Alex.

Reference

Punishment and Violence: Is the Criminal Law Based on One Huge Mistake? by James Gilligan, Harvard University; published in the Journal of Social Research, Fall 2000.



________________________________________

Amazing Gradient

Midi: Amazing Grace

Amazing Gradient, such graceful curves,
That smoothed a wretched step.
It once was ragged but now it's smooth,
Was flat, but now, it glides.

T'was Gradients that taught...
My heart to soar.
And Gradients, my fears relieved.
How precious Gradients did appear...
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
We have already come.
T'was Gradients that brought us safe thus far...
And Gradients will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
As long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Gradients, such graceful curves,
That smoothed a wretched step....
It once was ragged but now it's smooth,
Was flat, but now, it glides.


CopyClef 2007 John Newton, Isaac Newton, and Barsoom Tork Associates.

No Mo' Pho to Morrow

Title: No Mo' Pho to Morrow
Artist: Little Mo' Pho Allie
Music: Charles Strouse
Lyrics: Martin Charnin and Barsoom Tork Associates
Musical: Annie

No Pho will be served
To Morrow
Bet your bottom wipes
That to Morrow
There will be no Pho!

Just singin' about
You, Morrow
Tears away the cobwebs
And the sorrow
Now I crave Pho!

When I'm having a day
So geek and nerdly,
I just flick my finger
And sing here, this way...

Oh!

No Pho will be served
To Morrow
So ya gotta sing out
Screw Morrow!
(Some dismay.)

Screw Morrow! Screw Morrow!
No Mo' Pho to Morrow
Pho's always a Yelp away!

CopyClef 2011, Charles Strouse, Martin Charnin, and Barsoom Tork Associates.
Resurrection Hackware. All songs abused.

"At Resurrection Hackware, our atrocious song parodies are your existential nightmare."

Tomorrow — Maxime Beelen on Holland's Got Talent

I'm In a Daze

Title: I'm In a Daze
Artist: BearAss
Composer: Music by Boris Fomin
Lyrics: Gene Raskin and Barsoom Tork Associates
YouTube: Those Were the Days — Mary Hopkin (1968)

Once upon a time there was a Wiki
Where we used to chase a troll or two
Remember how we laughed at all the lusers
And dreamed of all the jerkoffs we would screw

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd ban and block forever and a day
We'd live the life of gods
With our lopsided odds
For we were young and sure to have our way.

Lai lai lai lai dai dai...
I'm in a daze, oh yes I'm in a daze

Then the dreary years went rushing by us
We lost our trophy barnstars on the way
If by chance I'd see you in the Wiki
We'd smile at one another and we'd say

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd ban and block forever and a day
We'd live the life of gods
With our lopsided odds
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

Lai lai lai lai dai dai...
I'm in a daze, oh yes I'm in a daze

Just tonight I logged into the Wiki
Nothing seemed the way it ought to be
In BearAss I saw a strange rejection
Was that lonely Steward really me?

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd ban and block forever and a day
We'd live the life of gods
With our lopsided odds
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

Lai lai lai lai dai dai...
Lie, lie, lie, lie (die, die)
I'm in a daze, oh yes I'm in a daze

Through the roar there came familiar laughter
I saw Tork's post and heard him call my name
Oh my foe we're older but no wiser
For in our hearts the screams have killed the game

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd ban and block forever and a day
We'd live the life of gods
With our lopsided odds
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

Lai lai lai lai dai dai...
I'm in a daze, oh yes I'm in a daze

CopyClef 2011 Boris Fomin, Gene Raskin, and Barsoom Tork Associates.
Resurrection Hackware. All songs abused.

"At Resurrection Hackware, our annoying song parodies are your everlasting earworm."

Those Were the Days — Mary Hopkin (1968)

Four-Channel Communication

Here is an essay I wrote back in 1986 ...

On Four-Channel Communication

---

In spoken communication, it is well-known that there are two channels operating simultaneously — the semantic content of speech (the ordinary meaning of the words) and the emotional tone of voice which conveys such feelings as sincerity, sarcasm, anger, fear, humor, etc. Additional nonverbal channels are mediated through body language (facial expression, body position and motion, hand movements). Internal body language (pulsing of the heart, skin temperature and moisture, muscle tightness or trembling, knotting of the stomach, teeth clenching, migraine headaches) also convey emotional messages.

In four-channel communication, all four channels are employed to provide complete and instantaneous feedback. By looking directly at the other person's face, by holding their hand or arm, or by putting your arm around their shoulders, the visual and tactile channels are added to the two audio channels.

In particular, the tactile channel is most important, for it enables the speaker to tell if he or she is making the other person uncomfortable during a discussion. If the goal is to reach an agreement, the tactile feedback channel can sometimes be used to obtain instantaneous and continuous feedback on a word by word basis. A very sensitive person can easily tell if his or her words are upsetting to the other party by tying into the visual and tactile feedback channels.

(Incidentally, by holding hands, the fight/flight behaviors are also arrested.)

Hold hands when fighting with your lover.

Fr33kman vs. the Dread Barsoom

Title: Fr33kman vs. the Dread Barsoom
Artists: Fr33KoolAide, Darth Drekko, and the Keystone Kops
Composer: Phil Gernhard, Dick Holler and Barsoom Tork Associates
YouTube: Snoopy vs. the Red Baron — The Royal Guardsmen

Achtung!
Jetzt singen wir gemeinsam die Geschichte
Über Fr33KoolAide, die Funkadoodle von Dysfunktionalität
Und die lästigen Barsoom Tork vom MIT

After the turn of the millenium
In the theatrical arch of the proscenium
Came a liminal drama never seen before
Like the silent scream of a lunatic war

Eins, zwei, drei, vier ....

Up came a scare like a runaway train
Barsoom Tork was his avatar name
Range-blocks tried and range-blocks fried
Now they're scattered all over the countryside

Ten, twenty, thirty, forty Keystone Kops
The meddlesome Tork was engaging their mops
Valiant Bureaucrats tried to end that spree
Of Barsoom Tork of MIT

Left, two, three, four ....

In the nick of time, a hero arose
A fr33ky lookin' d00d with a big fire hose
He raced into the scene to stop that runaway train
But Barsoom shot him down "Curses, foiled again!"

Ten, twenty, thirty, forty Keystone Kops
The meddlesome Tork was engaging their mops
Valiant Bureaucrats tried to end that spree
Of Barsoom Tork of MIT

Now, Fr33kman had sworn that he'd get that dork
So he asked the Great Steward for a trident fork
He challenged Firelion to a juicy food fight
And while Barsoom was laughing, blocked him late at night

That engineer quickly
Switch-tracked his trains
He tried every route,
But ran out of domains
Fr33kman blocked once
And then range-blocked twice more
And that meddlesome academic
Was again shown the door

Ten, twenty, thirty, forty Keystone Kops
The meddlesome Tork
Was engaging their mops
Valiant Bureaucrats tried to end that spree
Of Barsoom Tork of MIT

Well, ten, twenty, thirty, forty Keystone Kops
Were bound and determined to pull out the stops
Valiant Bureaucrats tried to end tha spree
Of that meddlesome academic from MIT

CopyClef 2011 Phil Gernhard, Dick Holler and Barsoom Tork Associates.
Resurrection Hackware. All wrongs reversed.

"At Resurrection Hackware, our atrocious song parodies are your existential nightmare."

Snoopy vs. the Red Baron — The Royal Guardsmen

Undo It

Title: Undo It
Artist: JWSurfeit
Composer: Kara DioGuardi, Martin Frederiksen, Luke Laird, Carrie Underwood, and Barsoom Tork Associates
YouTube: Undo It — Carrie Underwood (with Steven Tyler of Aerosmith)

I should have known by the way you scrolled on by
There was something in your edits and it wasn't right
I should have mocked, but I fell into a trance
Things got out of hand when Moulton hurt your pride

Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be
The way it was before I fell outta grace

	Train wreck at Montparnasse Station, at Place de Rennes, Paris, France, 1895.

You stole my happy, you made me sigh
Took the wrong way and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it
You locked my talk page, now I want it back
I'm starting to see every train jump the track
Dark Junta, you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

Na, na, na-na, na
Na, na, na-na, na
Na, na, na-na, na, na

Now your cojones don't have a flickery flame
And I never say KC's name and I never will
And all your thoughts, well I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even mad

Now you only have yourself to blame
For playing all those stupid games
You're always gonna be the same
And, oh no, this site is strange

You stole my happy, you made me sigh
Took the wrong way and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it
You locked my talk page, now I want it back
I'm starting to see every train jump the track
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

Na, na, na-na, na
Na, na, na-na, na
Na, na, na-na, na, na

You want a future, you can't have it
I'm still trying to erase you from my past
I need you blocked so fast

You stole my happy, you made me sigh
Took the wrong way and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

You locked my talk page, now I want it back
I'm starting to see every train jump the track
Johnny you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

You stole my happy, you made me sigh
Took the wrong way and took me for a ride
Dark Junta, you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

CopyClef 2011, Carrie Underwood and Barsoom Tork Associates.
Resurrection Hackware. All songs abused.

"At Resurrection Hackware, our atrocious song parodies are your existential nightmare."

Undo It — Carrie Underwood

Victory Play

Title: Victory Play
Artist: Sarcastic Idealist and the Wikipedians
Composer: Tom Cochrane and Barsoom Tork Associates
YouTube: Victory Day — Tom Cochrane and Red Rider

We've got our reasons, we've got our pride
Though Stewards are beaten black and blue
One fine day you'll be booted outside
You'll turn to see why you're screwed
Won't draw no curtains, be hiding no way
With our Victory Play

You stuck it out and you hung in tough
You won't be running away
Sue says it will change, but each time it does
It starts up all over again
We want the thunder, the tongue-lashing raves
The thrill, the glory of victory parades
Sue says it just never happens that way
With our Victory Play

Victory Play, Victory Play
There's Admins glaring, there's kerfuffle today
If you talk against us, we'll get you some way
With our Victory Play

In the gloom, talk by the hour, in the gloom
We say strife isn't big, but it's kind of a thrall
Made of small moments, they're all strung together
If you don't look out, we might diss you all
Then it's just passed you by like too much bother
Who wants our thunder and tongue lashing raves
The thrill, the glory of victory parades
Because we'll give you more grief than you can take
With our Victory Play

Victory Play, Victory Play
There's Admins glaring, there's kerfuffle today
If you talk against us, we'll get you some way
With our Victory Play, with our Victory Play,

Now you've gotten too close and we won't let it fade
And the reasons will haunt you for the mistakes we all made
Sue says let it go, 'cause it's time for a change
But we're still little boys trapped between ages
Time to walk away from Jim
Sue said "I'll take you some place where I know it will change"

Victory Play, yeah, Victory Play
There's Admins glaring, there's kerfuffle today
If you talk against us, we'll get you some way
With our Victory Play

Victory Play, yeah, Victory Play
There's Admins glaring, there's kerfuffle today
If you talk against us, we'll get you some way
With our Victory Play, with our Victory Play
With our Victory Play

CopyClef 2011 Tom Cochrane and Barsoom Tork Associates.
Resurrection Hackware. All songs abused.

"At Resurrection Hackware, our annoying song parodies are your everlasting earworm."

Victory Day — Tom Cochrane and Red Rider

Wikiday

Title: Wikiday
Artist: Rebecca Black and Montana Mouse
Composer: Rebecca Black and Barsoom Tork Associates
Video Overload: Rebecca Black's Friday

(Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ark)
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta get dressed, gotta go upstairs
Gotta have my cuppa, gotta have cawfee
Seein' everything, the time is goin'
Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'
Gotta turn on the monitor
Gotta scan Facebook, I see my friends (My friends)

Kickin' in the browser
Sittin' in the swivel chair
Gotta make my mind up
Which IP can I waste?

It's Wikiday, Wikiday
Gotta get down on Wikiday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the Wikiplay (Wikiplay!)
Wikiday, Wikiday
Gettin' down on Wikiday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the Wikiplay

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah!)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah!)
Phun, phun, phun (Pun!)
Lookin' forward to the Wikiplay

7:45, we're cruisin' on the blog space
Cussin' so fast, no time to sigh
Phun, phun, think about phun
You know what it is
I got dissed, you got pissed
Alison is always right (Oh Hai!)
I got dissed, you got pissed
Watch me blow it

Kickin' in the browser
Sittin' in the swivel chair
Gotta make my mind up
Which IP can I waste?

It's Wikiday, Wikiday
Gotta get down on Wikiday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the Wikiplay (Wikiplay!)
Wikiday, Wikiday
Gettin' down on Wikiday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the Wikiplay

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Phun, phun, phun (Pun!)
Lookin' forward to the Wikiplay

Yesterday was Blog Day, Blog Day
Today i-is Wikiday, Wikiday (Partyin')
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna trash y'all today

Tomorrow is MoS Day
And Sunday comes afterwards
I don't want this parody to end

B-T, Barsoom Tork
So chillin' with the song sheet (With the song sheet)
In the bad seat (In the bad seat)
I'm singin', cruisin' (Yeah, yeah)
Fast games, switchin' panes
Wit' IRC up on my side (Woo!)
(C'mon) Passin' by is a fool just in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it's Wikiday, it's a Wikiplay
We gonna have phun, c'mon, c'mon, y'all

It's Wikiday, Wikiday
Gotta get down on Wikiday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the Wikiplay (Wikiplay!)
Wikiday, Wikiday
Gettin' down on Wikiday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the Wikiplay

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Phun, phun, phun (Pun!)
Lookin' forward to the Wikiplay

It's Wikiday, Wikiday
Gotta get down on Wikiday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the Wikiplay (Wikiplay!)
Wikiday, Wikiday
Gettin' down on Wikiday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the Wikiplay

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Phun, phun, phun (Pun!)
Lookin' forward to the Wikiplay

CopyClef 2011, Rebecca Black and Barsoom Tork Associates.
Resurrection Hackware. All songs abused.

"At Resurrection Hackware, our annoying song parodies are your everlasting earworm."


Rebecca Black's "Friday"